When We First Met
Amanda (Wife) and I watched a movie the other night and it was a romantic comedy called “When Wells First Met” starring Adam Devine. It’s a pretty cute movie, it came out in 2018 and is your standard RomCom faire. The summary from Netflix:
Using a magical photo booth that sends him back in time, Noah relives the night he met Avery over and over, trying to persuade her to fall for him.
One of the themes of the movie was Fate. Is love fated? Is life fated? What if we can go back and make different choices, would the outcome be the same? Is life and love fated or is it the result of our choices.
After the movie Amanda turns to me and tells me a story of when we first met when we were dating and hanging out on her porch in Palm Springs.
I guess we were talking about life and things and she asks me:
Amanda: “Do you believe in fate?”
Me: “No”
The way she imitated me was quick, dry and flat; probably dismissive. My dumb ass didn’t realize she was talking about her and I being fated to be together. Which is cute but it wouldn’t have ever been my answer. I tried apologizing for not understanding the social cue or the what she was getting at. Not realizing she was, in that cute innocent way a shy girl does, telling me she was into me and saw us together.
She just laughed and said:
“No it’s so you it’s perfect.”
There’s a quote that stuck with me in the movie from a bit of back and forth dialogue, some gems hidden inside the jokes:
Max: What’s wrong with you? What are you talking about?
Noah: I’m talking about me and Carrie, Max.
Noah: I-I’m talking about fate.
Max: Fate is a tricky lady.
Max: When you try to figure her out you just get more confused.
Max: Listen. All I know is the mistakes I’ve made and the ladies I’ve laid, have made me who I am today.
Max: If I were to go back and relive it differently, I wouldn’t be me.
Max: And I like me.
Noah: You know, I thought things were supposed to happen for a reason.
Max: That’s what strippers and idiots say.
Max: Things happen randomly, for no reason at all.
Max: But they create opportunities, Noah.
Max: And you learn from those opportunities, even the missed ones.
Max: The question is, can you recognize that next opportunity when it matters most?
We kind of laugh about the memory, and I apologized to her for not knowing then she was being sweet. Her response was that it was perfect because it was me. Love isn’t always perfect right away, it probably wasn’t perfect in the moment. In hindsight, it’s the most perfect response because it was true and real.
Love is a beautiful strange thing because it will have you questioning yourself or truly understanding yourself. Are we fated to be together? Do we fit perfectly together because we were meant to be? Would we always find each other in life if we made different choices? Was it all meant to be? Or did we grab what we found when we had the chance?
I can point to every choice that led me to that day. Times in my life I could have made excuses to not do the things that led me where I’ve been, that led me to that moment and that opportunity. I could have let people talk me out of things I wanted to do, or lived a safer life with less risks. One or two big decisions by either of us could have put us on different paths. Hell, one or two small decisions could have changed everything. Even on the day we met, there were small decisions- I didn’t have to be at the shop it was my day off; Amanda initially couldn’t find the place and almost left and went somewhere else. Those are some small decisions that might not be life changing any other day of your life, but that day they ended up being some major decisions in hindsight.
We are perfect together because we are compatible, and we have put in the work. We’ve learned one another: likes, dislikes, pet peeves, what cheers us up, and how to comfort the other. We healed ourselves together: we have each taken time to work on ourselves in order to be better versions for our own sake and each others. Day by day it just builds on the previous, and eventually as it all works out and you fall deeper and more madly in love it feels like this great thing, greater than either of you. Could we really be capable of this on our own?
For me it’s a much more beautiful idea that this love is the result of our care and dedication to each other. That we constantly make the choice to be together, be there for each other. Everyday we make the choices large and small that nurtures our love and makes it grow. Our love is the result of years of choices. Small and large. Easy and difficult. Choosing each other, making choices that takes what we have into consideration. Choosing to do the things to make the relationship stronger. Choosing to communicate, to always work on communication. Choosing to be there during the hard times. Choosing to always celebrate the good times.
No outside influence or magical force. Not fate. Not something out of our hands that would put us together no matter what. Not something that would take away from the beauty that everyday we choose to love, respect, and communicate with each other more and more. We’ve made conscientious efforts to grow our love by sharing our hopes, fears, and dreams together. I would never want to diminish the dedication that we have put into loving one another.
So when she asked about my belief in fate. I just answered honestly, I probably could have lied and made her swoon, but that’s not me. I’m not into the idea of fate, I see the beauty of free will and choices. So I answered honestly, I showed her my true self. I chose not to lie to her or lead her on. I wanted her to know that if I cared about her, it wasn’t fate - it was me choosing to love her, choosing HER.